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the loneliest october.

It's October. It's officially Savanna Season and the air is heavier and darker than it's been in over a decade. I knew I would have a pandemic birthday, everyone has one. It just didn't occur to me that I would feel the weight of grief so heavily. My dad wasn't the perfect father, far from it. But he was almost always around for my birthday. He was also always around for elections. Dimsum. Arguments about politics. White Spot and Dairy Queen breaks. Small things that I took for granted.


I want to be alone.


I hate crying, but I hate crying in front of people a lot more. Being alone is hard because I'm forced to confront my grief. I miss him and I don't know how to celebrate Savanna Season without my dad in this realm. I don't know how to campaign without my dad in this realm. I don't know how to without my dad in this realm.


I don't want to go for dim sum without my dad. I just want to ugly cry and eat White Spot. I don't know how to grieve.


I went to text him today but the arrow turned blue, which means someone with an iphone has his number now. It's been over 6 months, so his number was up for grabs.


I don't want to be alone and I don't want to talk about it.

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